I told them the BIG secret

Well....I did it! But first I must say....what a great weekend I had. Chris (my boyfriend) and I spent the weekend with his family in New Jersey. On the way to his aunts house I was talking to my mom about tampons...she freaked out because she thought she was on speaker phone....I got irritated and said something like.."mom, you have no idea". Well of course...that got her thinking. After we got off the phone, she called me back and wanted to know what I was talking about...I of course didn't go all the way into things with her. I got home on monday and she had sent me an e-mail telling me how much she wanted to be a part of my life. She stated that she didn't care if I was mormon or not, she just wanted me to keep telling her what was going on in my life. So, I called her. I told here all of it...the sex....the things I didn't agree with in mormonism....I kept waiting for her to break down and yell at me... But she didn't. She just kept saying how glad she was that I was telling her and keeping her in my life. I guess she learned from what happend when my brother left the chruch at 17. Then I told my dad....I wasn't too worried about him...he's not as hard core as my mom. I feel a lot better...very free. My dad sent me a text message that said..."If I was the goofy type person to have music for a caller you would be Free Bird". Funny, but true I guess. I feel so much less stress.

This material contains sexual content...

I was talking to my friend tonight...(he's from church)..I've kinda' talked with him about how i feel on things. He still doesn't understand, especially since i served a mission. I was thinking-i don't really know how to be anything else but mormon. Well, i take that back...it comes naturally...but it's still a little strange. I still think about what would happen to me if i go away and live my life how i think i should be able to....and then go back to church. Hmmmm...scary thought. My poor poor mother. First my brother decides he doesn't believe in God (that was about 11 years ago...she still hasn't given up). Now this....she doesn't know yet. Although i haven't decided yet. I will wait to talk to her until i know for sure. So.....in this entry i will let ya'll in on a big fat secret...not that anyone is really reading. So, here goes. As a mormon teenager...i didn't always go to church...i was rebellious for sure. I messed around and all that jazz but waited until i got married to do "the deed" as i call it. So, i get married...go on the honeymoon and can't do it. AGGGGGGHHH...are you serious? I couldn't believe it. It hurt too bad. Although i do know that i've always been a little frightend of sex...don't know why. Plus the fact that my husband was hung like a horse didn't help matters. (sorry, but true). I went to a doctor and was diagnosed with a condition called vaginismus....basically I couldn't have sex. It's fixable with work....BUT.....after going to therapy and physical therapy I made some progress. I was actually able to use tamponst (sorry again) for the first time in my life. But, when it came down to it....a little over 2 years of marriage and still no intercourse. Hell i tell you. I think that's part of the reason my husband decided he wanted the divorce. He was a jerk anyway though...so it all worked out. What i'm getting at....through all of my praying and church stuff i still couldn't do it. NOW...my boyfriend and i have had sex!!!!!!!!!! I DID IT!!!! HA.....I wish my ex husband knew! I'm not broken! So finally after all this time I'm not a virgin anymore. I wish i could tell my mom....but she would die! Obviously mormons don't believe in sex before marriage....so i can't tell her. Which sucks bc i'm sooooo excited! She always said...."with the right guy i think it might be okay". And she was right! Anyway...That's my ssssshhhhh.

visitng teachers...yikes

Well tonight was interesting...for starters I didn't go to church today. I was out of town for the weekend. I went out to target and while I was there my visiting teacher called. How awkward that conversation was. She told me about the upcoming activites....but it was just in her voice. This strange tone...the "i'm worried about you" tone. I couldn't bring myself to tell her not to come. So...when next month rolls around who knows what I'll say to get rid of her. Eh....

i'm back

I was thinking...i've been living this whole time in fear of what would "happen to me" if i didn't do what i was "supposed" to...don't get me wrong. I think the mormon religion is great and it does great things for people....i just don't know if it's for me. It's so different. There's no gray area....you don't mold the religion to fit your life, you mold your life to fit the religion. You don't pick and choose....it's either all or nothing. I'm not sure i understand how ppl can be mormon and feel the way i do on some things. I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable there these days. I still go, but no one knows how i really live my life and how i feel about things. I feel less stressed these days....but in some ways i don't...you know, fear of what will happen to me if i ever go back. YIKES! eh....There are things in my life that have happend and not happend....that made me question. I will share those at a later time though. The couple I work for are Jewish...that is an interesting religion...but I don't think i could convert....i believe that Christ died for us....eh. I know there's a God.

hmmm...who am i?

You know...it's strange...here I am 25 almost 26 and not sure who i really am. I was raised in the mormon church...shoot...i even went on a mission. Was sealed in the temple (to my EX-husband)...blagh blagh blagh. As a teenager i went through my "inacitve" stage...but here i am as an adult. Wondering...is this religion for me. I don't agree with everything. I don't understand some things. Why would God think me a bad person for have a drink after a long hard day of work...what's wrong with crosses? Mormons are told "remember Christ for His life not His death", but every sunday in sacrament you are asked to remember just that....are sleeveless shirts really all that immodest?? Anyway...it's very difficult to not have any guilt on living my own life and making my own choices...i think a big part of it is the fact that i have grown up around this life for so long...you can't just let it go so easily. Thank goodness my i have my boyfriend to talk to. He's actually a convert but doesn't agree with everything either. Not too many ppl i can talk to about it all....eh...life, huh?